Xi Zinping prepares for Trump

Ornate room with chandeliers in President Xi Jinping's office in Beijing. President enters, his advisers stand up and bow, and they all sit down. President: "So, first of all I'm meeting Trump at this ridiculous Florida resort of his, not the White House. What is the significance of this, is it a snub, how do I react, do I smile or look angry, what do I wear and shall I take my swimming trunks?" First adviser:" Definitely no swimming trunks, Mr President. Naturally you are a very good swimmer but a photograph of you and Trump in the sea together could be dangerous. He could try and push you under the water and the headlines will say, 'Trump wins in South China Sea struggle'." President:"Hm, yes good advice. But do I wear a suit or put on that ghastly baseball shirt Obama gave me?" Second adviser: "I don't think that would be appropriate, Mr President. Trump will wear a blue suit and orange tie, and maybe a red cap." President: "Shall I wear a cap? I have 23 in my cupboard, from Bush and Obama." Third adviser:"No, sir, you don't look good in caps. Or rather, what I meant to say was that the dignity of your eminence will be undermined by the wearing of an American baseball or football cap." President: "Anything else?" Fourth adviser: "Mr President, I think you should smile only one, perhaps when you part after the meeting to show that you have won all the arguments." President: "Good thinking. Anything else?" Fifth adviser: "We're wondering whether you should shake hands or ignore him when he offers his hand." President: "But protocol says I should shake his hand." Sixth adviser: "Protocol, schmotocol, these days we don't worry about that. Trump refused to shake Merkel's hand. That looked good, we think." President: "But if I don't shake his hand, that could be interpreted in many different ways." Seventh adviser: "Yes, sir, but we think the interpretations will be good for us, sorry, for you, and bad for Trump." President: "So, let me sum up. No baseball cap, no swimming trunks, no Obama shirt, one smile, no handshake...have I left anything out?" Eighth adviser: "Oh, just one thing, don't even listen when he mentions the islands in the South China Sea, ignore his trade appeals and tell him you will deal with North Korea but don't say how." President: "Right. And any advice about meeting at this dreadful Florida place?" Ninth adviser: "Just enjoy it, Mr President, the lobster is supposed to be fantastic."