Saturday 15 April 2017

Inside Kim Jong-un's inner circle

Top advisers stand around the Dear Leader as he sits behind a huge oak desk eating lobster thermidor (lobster flown in from Shanghai). His dear wife sits quietly, very quietly, a few yards away. Kim:"So, tell me, will Trump attack?" Top military adviser:"Yes, oh dear leader." Kim: "When?" Same adviser: "Probably as soon as we carry out a beloved sixth nuclear test. All is ready, my dear leader, oh great one." Kim: "Trump is all bluff and more bluff." Same adviser: "You are I am sure absolutely correct, oh great one. But..." Kim: "BUT?!" Same adviser, taking two steps backwards: "Obama was more bluff. Trump is different, in my humble opinion." Kim: "We've had these American so-called carrier strike groups here before and nothing happened." Same adviser, looking extremely worried: "Yes, oh dear leader, but this carrier is, how shall I put it, more threatening than the other ones." Kim: "No one threatens the Hermit Kingdom!! Get me another lobster thermidor, this one has gone cold!!!" Same adviser starts to back out of the room. Kim, shouting: "Not you, stupid! Where's my wife?" Wife: "I'm here my excellent one and dearest husband and light of my life etc." Kim, looking slightly confused: "Honoured wife, perhaps you could....." Wife, getting up: "Yes oh mighty one, I will speak to the cooks who are always ready to serve you oh dearest better half." Kim: "So, General what's your face, I want the carrier destroyed immediately." General: "Yes, sir, my greatest leader, but what about the beloved nuclear test?" Kim: "After I have finished my lunch, we will do it. I will be there to show to the world and to those running dogs in Washington that nothing, NOTHING, will stop me. I owe it to my beloved father and grandfather. Do I make myself clear? NOTHING!!" General: "My great leader, all will be ready after the lobster." Kim looks at his general to see if he is taking the piss. The general is scribbling furiously into his notebook, writing the word "nothing" 12 times. Kim starts eating another plate of lobster thermidor, brought in by his wife on a silver tray. Kim, with his mouth full: "Fill the barrier!!" General: "Fill the barrier, oh dear leader?" Kim, looking apopleptic and swallowing hard: "Kill the carrier you stupid oaf." General: "Of course, of course, oh mighty one, I'll see to it straightaway." General exits fast. Kim: "I'll show that Trump. The world is going to take notice of me. I am the victor. The glorious dynasty lives on. Did you get that down?" Everyone in the room, except the dear wife, has been writing in their notebooks. They all nod their heads. Kim, burping loudly: "Right, let's show the world what we've got." Everyone bows, including the dear wife.

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