Off the record

An unofficial transcript of a Sean Spicer gaggle has come my way:
Spicer: So this is a gaggle, all off the record, that means no attribution, although you can source it to a small chunky bloke with terrible dress sense. I have nothing really to say today, except that the president is playing golf on Saturday with a former No 1 champion and it's not Rory McIlroy this time. He'll also be meeting with a Chinaman whose name I cannot give you.
CNN: Is he a businesman?
Spicer: I can't reveal who it is.
CNN: Does he play golf?
Spicer: I don't know.
CNN: What's his handicap?
Spicer: What makes you think he has a handicap? Why do you always have to think the worst in people. He's a very nice Chinaman, someone the president has known for a long time.
New York Times: Is it anything to do with expanding the Trump trademark in China in return for never accusing Beijing of currency manipulation?
Spicer: Typical Times, that's all fake news.
New York Times: Can I quote you?
Spicer: No, this is all off the record as I said.
New York Times: But I can source it to a small chunky bloke with terrible dress sense?
Spicer: Er, yes.
ABC: Has the president's business in China increased in size and value since he rang President Xi Jinping and told him he supported the one China policy?
Spicer: There is absolutely no link between the Trump trademark in China and the president's support for the One China policy.
ABC: Yes, but has the Trump business empire increased in size in China?
Spicer: Sounds like more fake news to me.
Washington Post: Is the carrier currently in the South China Sea going to stop China building more military installations on the disputed islands?
Spicer: We have a carrier in the South China? That sounds like a question for the Pentagon.
Washington Post: It was announced that USS Carl Vinson is in the South China Sea.
Spicer: So ask the Pentagon what it's doing.
Washington Post: So you don't know?
Spicer: It's classified.
Washington Times: Just going back to the Trump trademark in China...
Spicer: Ask something else, otherwise you'll be banned from the next gaggle.
Wall Street Journal: The FBI director has dismissed the president's claim that Obama authorised a wiretap of Trump Tower. So is Trump going to apologise and put out a correction?
Spicer: You must be joking.
Wall Street Journal: But Comey has asked the Justice Department to make sure there's a correction?
Spicer: Did the director tell you this?
Wall Street Journal: No, but...
Spicer: So it's fake news!
Wall Street Journal: But...
Spicer: You're banned from tomorrow's gaggle.
LA Times: Can I ask about Ivanka?
Spicer: No.
LA Times: She's been spotted flogging her jewellery to tourists through the fence at the White House.
Spicer: No gaggle for you ever again.
Buzzfeed: Is there any truth in the report that Trump plans to turn the front lawn of the White House into a putting green?
Spicer: Yes, I mean no! Well that's it. Remember, all off the record.