Kremlin Kislyak sensation!

WARNING: This is fake news!
A leaked telephone call  between the Kremlin and Sergei Kislyak reveals an astonishing Moscow plot to use the Russian ambassador to Washington as an FSB stooge during the US presidential election:

"Kislyak, listen carefully, I will say this only once."
"I'm having breakfast with the Trump Tower commissionaire, what do you want?"
"You have to meet with some of Trump's guys, get in with them, lay foundations."
"Of course, that's why I'm having breakfast with the..."
"Forget the commissionaire."
"He's a nice guy, and the croissants are fantastic.."
"Forget the croissants."
"So you want me to..."
"Get in with them. Get meetings set up, record everything."
"I am the ambassador..."
"Yes yes yes, these are new orders. When Trump wins we want a complete file on all your meetings, so we can use them for our advantage."
"But how do you know Trump will win. I've got money on Hillary."
"Forget Hillary. Trump will win. We have decided."
"You mean..."
"Yes, Trump will win. You don't need to know why or how."
"So I should put money on Trump?"
"Yes, and put some on for us too. Ten grand."
"OK, so who do you have in mind for contacts?"
"Flynn first. We know him. Putin likes him. Get him to talk about these outrageous sanctions. Record it but secretly."
"I don't like Flynn. He's not my type. This commissionaire is full of good stories."
"Forget the commissionaire."
"Anyone else?'
"Yes, Sessions. I want him to be our man."
"But he'll never agree to see me."
"Kislyak, just do your job. Record everything."
"So, Flynn and Sessions. Anyone else?"
"Go for Trump eventually, offer him a dacha. Get someone to photograph the two of you together shaking hands, or better still, a bear hug."
"I don't think..."
"Trump's your man. He's the one we really want. But do Flynn and Sessions first. Report back."
"But what if the FBI record me talking to these guys?"
"Hahahaha, that's the most cunning part of our plan. We'd love the FBI to listen in. Goodbye Kislyak."