Putin preparing for his meeting with Trump

The Big Moment is about to happen. Trump and Putin are going to meet for the first time as heads of their respective administrations at the G20 summit in Hamburg on July 7-8. No agenda has yet been fixed for the little chat but I'm thinking the Kremlin and the White House are furiously deciding what to say and what not to say and how to say it and when to say it and whether to smile and whether to shake hands or bear hug. The US National Security Agency and Russia's Special Communications Service, Moscow's equivalent of the NSA, must be working overtime to listen in on any gossip to give a heads-up for their leaders on what might come up during the G20 bilateral. Here is a speculative transcript of the NSA's eavesdropping on the Kremlin's presidential office meeting between Putin, Sergey Lavrov, foreign minister, and Sergey Naryshkin, head of the SVR, Russia's foreign intelligence service. Putin: "Tell me three things I don't know about Trump." Naryshkin: "I'm pretty sure you know everything, Mr President." Putin, glowering: "Three things." Naryshkin, looking worried: "Trump lost his virginity at 14, he thinks his daughter has a great body and he's desperately worried about being impeached." Putin: "Are you sure about the last thing?" Naryshkin: "We have a terrific agent inside the White House who overheard him saying just that." Putin: "Good, I can use that. As well as the golden shower pictures of course." Naryshkin: "You know they're fake, Mr President?" Putin gives him a withering look and turns to Lavrov. Putin: "On Syria, tell Tillerson (Rex Tillerson, US Secretary of State), I want no rubbish about dropping Assad. Assad stays whatever happens in the next 12 months. If Tillerson starts blathering on about the need for peace and that Assad should go, tell him the meeting with Trump is off." Lavrov: "Yes, Mr President. Don't worry, Tillerson knows the score." Putin grins: "It will be good to see Rex again." Lavrov: "Mr President, I suggest you don't go on too much about Tillerson having the Russian Order of Friendship (from his days as Exxon chief). It has become quite tricky for him in Washington." Putin: "Rubbish. I will remind him as often as I can, especially in Trump's hearing, that he is an honoured member of the Order. Perhaps I'll give Trump the Order as well, if he plays ball with Syria. That'll screw things up nicely for him back in Washington. Yes, that's a great idea. Please prepare the ceremony." Lavrov: "He might refuse it." Putin: "Show him the golden shower pics and he'll soon agree." Lavrov: "So you want to me to arrange a ceremony for the G20 summit?" Putin: "Get it done." Lavrov: "We have to prepare an agenda and a joint statement on shared goals, Mr President, before the G20 starts. Anything you want to headline?" Putin: "Yes, tell the White House I want Ivanka to come to Moscow to talk about women's rights. But I don't want that dreadful husband of hers to come too. Just Ivanka. She can meet Mariya and Yekaterina (his daughters)." Naryshkin: "Perhaps Alina as well(Alina Kabaeva, Putin's alleged dishy girlfriend)." Putin gives him his best assassin look. Naryshkin cowers. Putin: "That's all. I just want three things out of the meeting with Trump. The Order of Friendship for Trump, my Ivanka idea and no concessions on Syria. All the other stuff, counter-terrorism, Isis, pirates, blaa blaa blaa, you can shove into the joint statement. And if Theresa May so much as hints that she thinks her aircraft carrier is better than mine, tell Downing Street I will snub her during the whole summit."