Thirteen rules for Trump at G20 summit

I know it's a bit cheeky for a mere mortal to suggest how the president of the United States should conduct himself at the G20 summit in Hamburg this week. But this is Donald Trump, right? So here goes, a few golden rules, Mr President: *You may be the leader of the western world (sort of) but you've only been in the chair for less than six months and they have on the whole gone spectacularly badly for you. So watch out for the boys and girls who have been leaders for much longer eg Chancellor Angela Merkel (since 2005), Xi Zinping (since 2013) and Vladimir Putin (since forever). I don't mean show humility, but don't publicly throw your weight around so everyone round the table gets pissed off on Day One. *Come very very well prepared. No freelance agenda. Remember when Ronald Reagan met Mikhail Gorbachev for a summit in Reykjavik in 1986? Reagan started suggesting off the cuff how wonderful it would be if all ballistic missiles were banned. Maggie Thatcher nearly had a fit when she heard. *Don't snog/grab/overhug/lips-kiss any woman who isn't your wife at any point in the two-day summit. *Don't bear-hug Putin. Shake his hand fairly nonchalantly. None of this superpower grip stuff like you did with poor Emmanuel Macron. *Don't go looking for your new friend, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud. The Saudi monarch won't be there. He has decided not to turn up for some reason. So it will be a G19 summit! *Chancellor Merkel is the host. Hamburg is in Germany. Therefore, she will hold sway. Whatever you do, don't push her out of the way when you're trying to get to the front to be seen with Putin and Zinping. *Don't push anyone out of the way, and don't hold hands with anyone either, especially not Theresa May. *Russia and China have preempted the G20 summit by coming up with a Grand Plan for dealing with North Korea. Smart move on their part. You don't have to bash their heads when you say NO THANKS to their idea of stopping the annual US military exercises with South Korea. Just be cool and somewhat stand-offish and actually quite tough. They are going to look frightfully smug, so wipe the grin off their faces without actually doing it physically. Tricky one. *Be nice to people you can't be bothered with, like the two presidents from the EU, Donald Tusk and Jean-Claude Juncker. I know I know. That's going to be really tough but a few courtesies, ask them where they're planning to go on holiday, that sort of thing. *Be very nice to Theresa May without touching. But please don't offer to rehouse all the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire. They want to stay local, ok? They don't want to live in Omaha, Nebraska, with all the buffaloes. *Macron is trying to be a sort of Sun God president, so watch out for that. Being 30 years younger than you, Macron has a lot going for him but if you start teasing him about how he summoned his ministers to pay court to him at the Versailles Palace, he might strike back and cancel his invitation to join him to celebrate Bastille Day on July 14. *The best looker of course is the exotically-socked Justin Trudeau, the Canadian prime minister. He's very very popular, so don't deliberately step on his toes out of jealousy. *Leave the summit with your dignity still intact, some tough words on North Korea, Syria and Iran, and the well wishes of nearly everyone. The last bit will be the hardest.