Kim suffers defection

Dear Kim Jong-un, this is just to let you know that one of your trusted soldiers, guarding your side of the Demilitarised Zone, has defected to South Korea. I'm telling you in case your military chiefs have failed to notify you out of sheer terror that they will be blamed. Which they will. Basically he got fed up standing guard like a zombie staring like a waxwork model at his South Korean counterparts staring back at him and decided that there was probably more to life and that if there was more to life there was a better chance of finding it in South Korea than the dreadful North. He had apparently heard about Netflix and was determined to watch every drama series going before he departed this world. The defection of the soldier is only one of three North Korean military chaps to make the break across the DMZ since the end of the Cold War. It's potentially quite easy to run across the relatively short distance of the Joint Security Area in the centre of Panmunjom DMZ which is shared by the two sides in a grim face-off pantomime. But it's also potentially fatal because his comrades have guns and tend to fire them whenever anyone from their side looks like he's about to launch off into the arms of the South Korean soldiers. Sure enough, your man was shot twice, once in the elbow and once in the shoulder, but you will be devastasted to know that your soldiers are lousy shots and he's not going to die and is receiving the best hospital treatment South Korea can provide. Now, I'm not saying this is the greatest coup for the South Koreans. This poor disillusioned soldier probably knows nothing of any great intelligence. After all, all he did was turn up for work each day and try not to sneeze anywhere in the DMZ. He will know nothing about your nuclear weapons and ballistic missile programme, and won't even know what you have for breakfast. But it's all about propaganda, you see. You'll understand that! Especially coming only a few days after Donald Trump was in South Korea, warning you not to trust your luck against the mighty US. So it will no doubt irritate you somewhat and you'll probably blame the US whatever the circumstances. By the way, in case you hadn't noticed, there's a wonderful picture of the DMZ taken by Reuters which shows South Korean soldiers on one side of a high security fence and a large flock of birds on the north side. It's my belief that the birds have collected there to make a midnight escape across the wire. Their defection may go unnoticed but it will be another major propaganda blow for you.