Where's my ****** carrier?

It's Donald Trump's turn to be apoplectic. He was specifically told that he had sent a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier strike group off to the Korean peninsula. He had read it somewhere, or heard it somewhere, CNN, Fox News, Navy Times. He definitely saw it mentioned. So why the hell was it not there when Kim Jong-un held his stupid military parade, with giant intercontinental ballistic missiles, probably made out of paper mache? Trump to General Jim Mattis: "Mad dog, what happened?" Mattis: "Mr President, I was told it was heading for the Sea of Japan. I was also told the maritime exercise with the Australians had been cancelled because of it." Trump: "So why is it swanning around in the Indian Ocean, 3,500 miles away from all the action?" Mattis: "It's a miscomprehension, I mean a misunderstanding or probably a miscommunication, Mr President." Trump: "Mattis, this is the 21st century. We have the best communications system in the world, how can there be confusion about where one of my carriers is." Mattis: "It's the Navy's fault. That chap Admiral Harris, Pacific Command, it's all his fault." Trump: "So, tell him he's fired." Mattis: "But anything military comes under me. The buck stops with me." Trump: "So, should I fire you?" Mattis: "I serve at your pleasure, Mr President." Trump: "I'm the commander-in-chief, I'm the one in charge. I say, fire Harris." Mattis: "It was all a mix-up, Sir, I'm sorry. Admiral Harris didn't actually say he was sending the carrier to the Korean peninsula, he just said the Western Pacific." Trump: "So why did it turn round and go in the opposite direction, answer me that?" Mattis: "Well it went back before it went forward, as it were." Trump: "No carriers under my watch go back before going forward. Do I make myself clear?" Mattis: "Yes, Mr President." Trump: "It was a good week for me, and then this rubbish is appearing in all the papers." Mattis: "I'm sorry, Mr President. What you need is a diversion." Trump: "What sort of diversion?" Mattis: "Perhaps you could publish your tax returns." Trump: "GET OUT MAD DOG!!"

Trumpar.a.Lago

Sitting in his Bermuda shorts on a sunbed overlooking the Atlantic Coast, Donald Trump is probably thinking he's had not a bad last two weeks. He launched 59 Tomahawks at a Syrian airbase, dropped a mighty bomb on Isis in Afghanistan - the term "mother of all bombs" is right out of his sort of lingo - he threatened preemptive action against Kim Jong-un and told the Chinese what's what. If it hadn't been for his idiot spokesman Sean Spicer indirectly praising Hitler for never using chemicals against his own people (that's a Spicerism that will never be forgotten), Trump would have had reason to knock back the champagne. Except he doesn't drink alcohol. It's all about being tough, being seen to be tough, speaking tough and looking tough. He's good at that in a sort of apprentice-you're-fired way. But I'm not sure whether Kim Jong-un really cares about how tough Trump sounds. He is, after all, living in a world of his own, surrounded by gleaming missiles and he probably genuinely thinks the United States of America, the world's only real military superpower, is scared of him. Actually, whisper it, the US is rather scared of him because no one, not the Pentagon, nor the CIA, nor Lieutenant-General HR McMaster knows for sure what he's going to do next. Kim threatened thermo-nuclear war, but does he have any idea what that means? All Trump's advisers, like all Obama's advisers before him, are telling him that Kim wants one thing and that is for his regime to survive so that his future children and grandchildren can carry on the dynasty. So, if that is his objective, why threaten thermo-nuclear war and invite an overwhelming response from the US? So Trump thinks on this on his sunbed and decides he got the rhetoric about right, probably frightened Kim and his entourage of yes men, and got them all worried about the vulnerability of their ballistic missiles. Sending the carrier strike group bristling with Tomahawks and anti-missile interceptors was the obvious and easiest option. That's why it's such a joy being commander-in-chief of the only superpower. No other country in the universe can dispatch a carrier with destroyers, cruisers and submarines, and have a whole batch more back home or elsewhere in the world ready to join the armada at a nod from the president. Actually, everyone has been writing enthusiastically about the USS Carl Vinson carrier strike group sitting off the North Korean coast, but it turns out it hasn't arrived yet. It was last seen off Indonesia on Saturday. But, never mind, Kim knows it's coming, so if he tries any more missile launches heading for the Sea of Japan, when the carrier really is off the coast, then there still might be a clash. But not nuclear war. That, Kim, old chap, would be very very stupid. Big bang stuff will mean the end of you and the end of the Kim dynasty, and the end of Communism in North Korea, and the end of everything. So no gains there. Even Kim must know that as he combs his weird hairstyle every morning. So Trump can relax for a bit. He has got his choice for the Supreme Court sitting pretty and pronouncing eloquently, he's put Putin into a corner, hit Isis where it hurts, and caused humiliation for Kim. As for Assad, well that's still a tricky one, but I don't think Trump is overly bothered. He may have some chemical drums left in a secret shed, but he doesn't have nukes. In other words, nothing to threaten the US with, and those Tomahawks are a damn fine thing! If only Sean Spicer had kept his mouth shut.

Kim after missile botch

Kim Jong-un, seething, orders all those responsible for Saturday's missile disaster to come and see him. Seventy-five terrified military officers, displaying rows of medals on their uniforms, enter the room. Kim: "You have humiliated me before the whole world." No one even raises their eyes. Kim: "I am the great leader and you have shamed me. The Americans are laughing." Military officer with seven rows of medals: "Oh mighty one, we think the Americans did it." Kim, screaming: "It was NOT the Americans, it was you, all of you. You failed me. That rocket should have scared the Americans, now they are poking fun at me." Same officer: "Dear leader, we have proof the Americans did it." Kim, screaming again: "Proof, what proof?" Officer: "Sir, honoured one, they jammed the telemetry, they cyber attacked our beloved rocket. There was nothing wrong with it. Everything had been checked. It was all go." Kim: "Did any of you, ANY of you, make any phone call to ANYONE revealing where the rocket was heading for?" All 75: "No, dear leader, oh mighty one, oh gracious commander-in-chief, we spoke to no one." Kim: "None of you mentioned it to your wives or daughters or mistresses." All 75: "No, great leader, only we knew the missile was heading for Misawa." Misawa airbase in northern Japan is home of the US Air Force 35th Fighter Wing. Kim: "The trajectory was correct?" All 75: "Yes, oh beloved leader, it would have fallen just short of Misawa." Kim: "If the Americans destroyed our missile we must take revenge." All 75: "Yes, oh mighty one, revenge." Kim: "Prepare another missile. This time we will hit Misawa. That'll show the Americans who's boss around here." Most senior officer: "Dear leader, that would lead to overwhelming retaliation by the Americans." Kim: "Who said that?" Most senior officer: "It was me, oh great one." Kim shouts to no one in particular: "Take him out and shoot him." Most senior officer: "Oh great leader, if I am shot it will be seen in the US and Seoul as further evidence of our humiliation." Kim: "Take him out and shoot him twice." Most senior officer is dragged away. Kim, exploding in anger, demands that all 75 be taken out and shot. Kim: "I will have my revenge. The Americans will pay. You'll see. Aide enters the room: "Oh great one, Beijing is on the line." Kim: "Tell them to go **** themselves."

Inside Kim Jong-un's inner circle

Top advisers stand around the Dear Leader as he sits behind a huge oak desk eating lobster thermidor (lobster flown in from Shanghai). His dear wife sits quietly, very quietly, a few yards away. Kim:"So, tell me, will Trump attack?" Top military adviser:"Yes, oh dear leader." Kim: "When?" Same adviser: "Probably as soon as we carry out a beloved sixth nuclear test. All is ready, my dear leader, oh great one." Kim: "Trump is all bluff and more bluff." Same adviser: "You are I am sure absolutely correct, oh great one. But..." Kim: "BUT?!" Same adviser, taking two steps backwards: "Obama was more bluff. Trump is different, in my humble opinion." Kim: "We've had these American so-called carrier strike groups here before and nothing happened." Same adviser, looking extremely worried: "Yes, oh dear leader, but this carrier is, how shall I put it, more threatening than the other ones." Kim: "No one threatens the Hermit Kingdom!! Get me another lobster thermidor, this one has gone cold!!!" Same adviser starts to back out of the room. Kim, shouting: "Not you, stupid! Where's my wife?" Wife: "I'm here my excellent one and dearest husband and light of my life etc." Kim, looking slightly confused: "Honoured wife, perhaps you could....." Wife, getting up: "Yes oh mighty one, I will speak to the cooks who are always ready to serve you oh dearest better half." Kim: "So, General what's your face, I want the carrier destroyed immediately." General: "Yes, sir, my greatest leader, but what about the beloved nuclear test?" Kim: "After I have finished my lunch, we will do it. I will be there to show to the world and to those running dogs in Washington that nothing, NOTHING, will stop me. I owe it to my beloved father and grandfather. Do I make myself clear? NOTHING!!" General: "My great leader, all will be ready after the lobster." Kim looks at his general to see if he is taking the piss. The general is scribbling furiously into his notebook, writing the word "nothing" 12 times. Kim starts eating another plate of lobster thermidor, brought in by his wife on a silver tray. Kim, with his mouth full: "Fill the barrier!!" General: "Fill the barrier, oh dear leader?" Kim, looking apopleptic and swallowing hard: "Kill the carrier you stupid oaf." General: "Of course, of course, oh mighty one, I'll see to it straightaway." General exits fast. Kim: "I'll show that Trump. The world is going to take notice of me. I am the victor. The glorious dynasty lives on. Did you get that down?" Everyone in the room, except the dear wife, has been writing in their notebooks. They all nod their heads. Kim, burping loudly: "Right, let's show the world what we've got." Everyone bows, including the dear wife.

Bomb away!

There's carpet bombing and then there's the Mother of all Bombs, just one of them. Different ways to prosecute a war. You do wonder why the Trump military decided to drop a single Massive Ordnance Air Blast weapon (MOAB) to hit Isis in Afghanistan yesterday. But under Trump it's all about signals. A blast at Isis means a warning blast to Kim Jong-un, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, maybe Putin and anyone else in the Trump crosswires. Big bomb signal. While it certainly attracted the world's attention, it does somehow seem a little over the top, although General John Nicholson, the US commander in Afghanistan, insisted it was the right munition to use because they wanted to blast all the tunnels Isis had been constructing. I don't expect General Nicholson was thinking of signals to anyone else. But Trump definitely was. He described yesterday's MOAB bombing as an "event". It sure was. The point is, what is going on right now? Under Obama, there was plenty of military action. Don't forget the proliferation of drone killings of terrorists in Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia, Libya etc. But did anyone venture to suggest to Obama that it was time for a MOAB. I somehow doubt it. The military always speak of the immense care taken over every strike to make sure "innocent" people are not killed or wounded. But war is war, and every general accepts that there is always a risk of civilians being killed. But does Trump worry about that sort of thing when he goes to bed? I'm sure he does. He was, after all, emotionally horrified by the sight of children suffering after the chemical weapons attack in Idlib, in Syria. But does he worry as much as Obama did? I think the MOAB "event" says a lot. He is now President Donald MOAB Trump.

What did the Russians know?

Is it possible that the Russian military knew their Syrian regime allies were about to drop chemical bombs on civilians in the northern Syrian town of Idlib last week? There were supposed to have been some Russian officers present at the airbase from where the airstrike was launched. So, did they know? The US believes they did, or if they didn't, they should have! And was this airstrike personally ordered, or at least personally approved by Bashar al-Assad? For us simple souls it seems incomprehensible that the Syrians and/or Russians actually thought dropping chemical bombs filled with sarin nerve agent would be a good idea at this particular juncture in the six-year war. But could it have been a deliberate ploy to see how Trump would react, in other words, to test out his threshold for taking action. Trump had said he didn't want to get sucked into the Syrian war, but what would tempt him? A few nasty pictures on CNN, perhaps, showing Syrian children crying in pain after being coated in chemicals from the sky? Russian/Syrian logic here is difficult to grasp. This is true KGB-style Kremlinesque thinking. Kill 80 or so people to see how Trump will react!!! Can that be the strategy here? If so, then what. Does that make it easier for Putin and Assad to plot the future, knowing that Trump reacts emotionally when making a decision? This sort of thinking bodes ill for the future, for all of us. Putin trying to outplay Trump, Trump wanting to punish Putin, Putin then playing the statesman masterstroke, calling off the war in Syria but on his terms. He tried that one with Obama over the use of chemical weapons in Syria in 2013, and he won that one. I think the former KGB lieutenant-colonel is up to his old tricks again.

Tillerson's toughest trip

Poor Rex Tillerson. He took the job of secretary of state because he had an absolute IN with Vladimir Putin. They were almost mates. Tillerson had some Russian award. So he, successor to Hillary Clinton and John Kerry, was going to be the one man to warm up relations with Russia and make the world look and feel a safer place. Now that's all gone into a deep black hole. Putin is so angry about Trump's Tomahawks and his threat to change the regime in Damascus, he may even snub his old mate Tillerson and refuse to see him. May be ask for the award back!! Relations between Moscow and Washington are frozen solid, even more than under Obama. And I won't even mention Boris Johnson. His decision to cancel his trip to Moscow smells like an order from the White House. Trump wants Tillerson in Moscow, and no one else right now.If there's going to be a slanging match, Trump doesn't want Boris adding his bit. So it's down to Tillerson to save the world. But has he got what it takes to make Putin see sense and push for a new peace deal in Syria, without the ghastly "war, what war?" Assad in charge? Putin, you have to always remember, is an old KGB hand. He isn't going to give in to anyone, certainly not to his old mucker Rexie Tillerson. As for Trump, they haven't even met yet, So Putin stands ready to say Niet Niet Niet in good old-fashioned Andrei Gromyko style. You recall the guy, the one with the sour face and Homburg hat who loved the Cold War and the whole language of hostility and suspicion and Kremlinesque intransigence. Putin, despite his smile and half-naked horse-riding and judo body, is from the same school. "You want me to drop Assad? Niet. You want me to join you in solving Syria? Niet. You want me to come to Washington? Niet. You want to buy a dacha outside Moscow? Niet. You want me for once to say Da? Niet".