Trump has no mates

It's difficult for Trump. Basically, looking around the world, he has no mates.There's no one he can ring up for a chat and a gossip and a sorting-out-the-world sort of conversation. Not with anyone. Bill Clinton had his old mate Tony Blair, a right swinging couple they made, especially when Bill was on the trumpet and when they had deep discussions about the Third Way, whatever that meant. George W Bush had....er, his old mate Tony Blair. They loved wearing the same sort of leather jacket and mucking around on his Crawford ranch talking about bumping off Saddam Hussein. Ronnie Reagan, of course, had his Maggie, although there must have been times when Ronnie thought, oh God it's Maggie Thatcher on the phone again, what's she going to tick me off about now? But they got on fine. George H W Bush had all his old CIA chums to chew the fat with. Gerald Ford, well I haven't a clue who his best mates were, apart from his wife. But Trump can find no mates whenever he looks in the "Foreign Section" of his contacts book. There's Theresa the other side of the Atlantic. But although he held her hand when he went to London, he washed both his hands pretty damn soon after, and I can't see him regarding Theresa as a bosom pal. What on earth would they talk about on the phone? He can't rely on the Brits sending a division anywhere these days. It would be a helluva job just getting a brigade together from the tiny army that David Cameron left behind before he skipped it after the Brexit disaster. He can't talk trade with Theresa because in London he said the UK would be in the front of the queue but when he got back to Washington he said exactly the opposite. In fact just like Obama did. So a chatline with London is out. Then there's Merkel. Absolutely no way. There's about as much chemistry between them as a large stick of candyfloss and a potato. He's also slightly scared of her because she always speaks her mind and sticks to it. He can't stand people like that. What about Trudeau? No, he's too damn handsome and makes him feel like an old fart. Secretly he hates Canadians anyway. Xi Zinping was supposed to be his new soulmate, what with needing to sort out Kim Jong-un together, but Trump learned very quickly that Chinese leaders don't do soulmate stuff and they are two- or even three-faced chaps who smile enigmatically but never really stop plotting behind your back. Anyway, you can't talk to a bloke who speaks Mandarin and then the translation is very very dodgy. Putin. Well, Putin was going to be his great mate but it kinda didn't work out that way. He had forgotten that Putin spent most of his life in the KGB and was therefore totally completely utterly untrustworthy. Trump has decided he doesn't like Putin. All that bare-chest horse riding and karate makes him sick with envy. That's about it in the Foreign Section of his contacts book. He has never spoken to Hollande and hasn't a clue about this little bloke Macron who will now definitely win the French presidential election because the whole political establishment will back him just to keep out Marine Le Pen. Trump will never be friends with Macron. He married someone 24 years older than him for God's sake. Mind you, showing off his much younger wife will be fun if he ever has to invite Macron to the White House. There's no one else around to ring. He has no idea who the leaders of Holland, Denmark, Spain, Italy, Belgium etc etc are, so they are off the list. So, there we go. Trump has no mates. He'll just have to make do with Ivanka.